Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
