Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
