The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
