I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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