That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
not ubering you a puppy
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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