put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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