if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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