Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize