I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
