she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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