I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I faked an abortion last night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
