It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
