Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
