i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize