I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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