drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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