He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
