where am i from again
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize