Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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