Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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