whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
