who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize