After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
