dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
