hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
