I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
