dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
