May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Randomize
