Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
