you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
