I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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