very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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