I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
