you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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