She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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