Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
