i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize