I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
