hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
