I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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