I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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