nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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