6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
