I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
