I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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