Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
