You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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