My friends, they love my intelligence
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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