that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
he just fucked me for my cheese..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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