Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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