I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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