So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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