I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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