Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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