Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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