Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
