I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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