Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
