you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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