I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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