i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
