You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
