Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
