Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
