I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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