During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
